The BBC is home to some of England’s most beloved famous people. In our house, we call it the Institution of institutions. Yes indeed, many of us look to the BBC for guidance, especially when trephaning or baking a cake.
There are stars to be found in the corner of every living room. From perennial granddad’s favourite, Dicky Spangles, to Mum’s best friend, Christine Cheddar-Valley, we love them all. And sometimes, they even love us in return (although there has been a shift in the culture since the 1970s). BBC stars are so beloved they are often treated as gods. Better than gods, in fact, as they come without all the locusts and the slaughter of your firstborn, etc. Only an all-knowing and benevolent being could provide countless mediocre panel shows and shirtless Sunday night hunkies night after night. Shelley was wrong, oh lords of light entertainment, your works are far mightier than those of mortal men.
It’s not all rosy though, some people don’t like the BBC, they think it’s full of Jews and communists. These people prefer watching the exciting adverts on all the other channels, and think the BBC should be the same. Most of these people read the Daily Mail, the rest read the Daily Express.
Occasionally, however, there is some crossover in the appeal of both right-wing newspapers and state-funded broadcasters. This is commonly referred to as a “ratings winner” when the most insipid cunts the Beeb can muster manage to claw their way into the collective heart of the nation, uniting Guardian and Daily Mail reader alike. How we love Maureen Buggerthorpe and her show ‘Dunking a British Biscuit in a Cup of British Tea Contest’ – and who can forget twin hosts Lumpy and Petronella, who delight the crowds with their inoffensive quips. May the crumbly underside never end!
For the more cerebral among us, there is BBC Four, which mainly shows documentaries about how happy rich people were in the old times, mainly hosted by aging posho, Lucy Ponsonby-Smythe.
My own relationship with the BBC can best be described as “confused”, as it said in the letter I received from the Director General asking me to stop sending him my drawings.
In this context, I decided to collect my portraits of national treasures and put them on the internet.
Julie Bradbury A.K.A. “Big Pimpin'”
First up is Julia (pronounced Julio) Cadbury. I have to be honest, I don’t know much about this one, but according to a copy of the Radio Times I read in a waiting room, she presents something called ‘Julia Hartley-Brewer’s Magnificent British Countryside Rambles’, and its late-night spin-off, ‘Great British Laybys’. She once hosted an episode of ‘Springwatch in the Dark’, but was quietly asked to leave after the fires.
That’s about as saucy as it gets on the BBC, but that’s the price you pay for political correctness gone mad.
The attention to detail I paid when creating this monstrosity shows I really have talent. You really get to know a person when you trace a picture of them from the Daily Mirror, let me tell you. The raised eyebrow suggests she is cheeky and might sneak into your room to tickle your toes while you sleep. The line across the top of her forehead took several painstaking hours to get right. This essential detail is no ordinary horizontal line, it is also a painful reminder of her facial transplant surgery. The face was fished out of a barrel near Horsham Ice Rink, its original owner has never been traced.
Fun Fact: Julian is a pro-cannabis advocate and campaigner, and she even got her bum out in Parliament! Naughty, naughty. Her favourite car is the Fiat Ducato.
No charges have yet been brought against her. She remains at large.
BBC rating out of five: 3.8
Clare Baldwin A.K.A “The Beast”
What can be said for renowned horse botherer, Cath Baldrick, that hasn’t already been said?
Everybody from Land’s End to Penzance loves Cathy. So beloved is she, the self-described “plughole of charisma” will be interred in The Tower of London when her contract expires in 2019.
Baldwin is something of an anomaly among BBC personalities, as she doesn’t have one. Fortunately for her, the BBC offers ample opportunities for people with such hobbling disabilities, to the joy of Daily Mail readers everywhere.
She is alleged to have presented a chat show, asking questions to sport athletes about their lonely lives, and then guffawing over a gin and tonic in the green room. Sadly, the tapes went missing in the Great British Filth Purge of ’08 and have yet to be recovered. Keith also presents Dog Racing coverage on Saturdays, which means she gets paid twice.
This drawing really captures her personality. She is freewheeling, as the shiny patches on her cheeks and chin attest. Her teeth are part of the Rose West Collection by Versace. A common misconception about Susan is that her hair is made from painted ants. This is a lie, an independent source confirms it is made of adder bones.
I was unhappy with this picture because it looks like she has a black eye. Clara Bosworth has never even lost a fight, that pugilist’s jawline tells no lies.
Fun Fact: Carla lost all her chat show money in a ponzi scheme.
She squashes the adders herself in her powerful mandibles.
BBC rating out of five: 2.4